Attaching and bonding as an adoptive parent

Over the past three years, with foster and now 3 adopted kids, I feel like grace has been my word; the thing that keeps me going. 

Grace. 

Grace that allows myself to feel space and mercy in situations where I could so easily feel heaps of guilt. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many magical moments. There are moments where everything aligns and you heart flutters with love. Then there are times when my only goal was to survive and then crawl into bed and thank Jesus my day was over. 

Those first 9 months with our latest two additional kiddos was spent dealing with mounds of grief and trauma. They were 4 and 6 years old at the time. There were moments when I didn’t know how to make it to the next day. The grief they were experiencing seeped it’s way into every moment of our life. Bonding with a child who is hurting is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. 

I felt like I was failing. 

The doubts and insecurities swirled inside my head. I wore the responsibilities of these three additional children so heavy in my heart, but there were days when my emotional capacity was spent. I couldn’t give more than just doing the tasks. Those children needed to feel an emotional connection with me but I had nothing left to give and the guilt all but swallowed me.  

And then grace. 

Grace oh grace. 

There is something about remembering that you’re human, and not perfect, that is so freeing. 

Here’s a glimpse into one of those moments. During those first several months of foster care grief saturated everything. There was a time when one of our kiddos would slap me in the face when they got upset. Not hard, but hard enough. That was tough to handle, but what was even more difficult to handle was that inevitably, an hour later, that same child would want to sit beside me and snuggle. 

My emotions swirled with confusion. 

I could endure the slaps but I had no idea how give this child the love and emotional support they needed at times.  I was caught in an unending cycle. My child’s grief and emotional needs caused them to act out in the only way they knew. Their negative behavior toward me caused me to struggle in my ability to emotionally give back, thus causing them to act out again. If I wasn’t careful we would just be stuck in this constant state of a catch 22. 

On the days when I was simply trying to survive my own emotional rollercoaster that the foster/adopting journey was giving me my husband told me something so deep and profound.

“It’s okay.” 

I let those words wash over me and ease the weight of my emotions. That “It’s okay” was grace being offered to me. It’s was okay that I didn’t feel the magic that day. My actions always had to be fair and right, but I didn’t have to force my emotions. 

I chose to love even when I struggled to feel it. 

I had to make the right choice even when it was the hardest thing to do. I had to give even when I was drained to the very core of who I was. 

In a world where we are told to follow what you feel it takes dedication and discipline to do the right thing even when you don’t feel it. To me, that is one of the greatest acts of love. I chose to love my kids regardless of my emotions. I chose to see value in them regardless of what actions they took. I chose to commit to them even when my life was exploding beyond capacity. I chose them. I knew that if I did the right thing time and time again, regardless of how my emotions were feeling, that the emotions would eventually follow suit, and they did. 

When you are walking though the emotional ups and downs of this journey always allow yourself grace! 

Grace upon grace upon grace. 

It doesn’t matter where you find yourself in this journey allow yourself grace. Don’t beat yourself up on the hard days when you struggle with your own emotions. Don’t let it be an excuse, but allow yourself the grace and space to attach and to bond just like we allow our children the grace and space to attach and bond.

You’ve got this! 

Even on the days when you lie in bed and you replay all the mistakes you’ve made, you’ve got this. 

We’ve got this.

Grace is given to us. 

Grace upon grace upon grace. 

And remember… It’s okay. 

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