There are so many things that I look back on and wish I could have done differently those first several months when we added three additional kiddos to our home. However, if there is something that I feel like we did well it was how we navigated the sibling relationships in our home.
We gave all the kids space… lots of emotional space.
My biologicals weren’t always on board. In fact, our oldest child told us multiple times through the licensing process that he didn’t want to do foster care. Foster care brings with it so many variables and unknowns. My first born was hesitant but we made him a promise, “If it becomes too much we will reevaluate it.” We asked him to trust us. We asked him to trust that we would take care of him and make sure everything was okay.
When our new kiddos first moved in everyone had to share space, and time, and toys that they were not accustomed to sharing. They HAD to share that stuff. They had to share their room. They had to share their toys. They had to share their parents.
But they didn’t have to like it.
And that was ok.
We never forced the sibling relationship on anyone. In fact we didn’t even call them siblings until months after the adoption was finalized.
Accepting each other takes time.
Our three adopted children, while in foster care had case workers coming to see them, visitations, therapy, etc. We had, on average, 20 different obligations a month for our foster kiddos. That was a lot! Our lives naturally revolved around foster care. It had to.
We had to do everything we could to build in time for our biologicals.
We helped our biologicals through the adjustments by giving them more one on one time. We did it without the other kids knowing. Bedtime was the easiest way to make this happen without the other kids feeling left out.
Before our adopted daughter joined our family my biological daughter and I would spend time each evening having “talky” time. We would sit on her bed and talk. She loved it. It our special moment that we shared together every day.
Now she had a roommate, and having conversations with her at bedtime wasn’t going to happen.
So we adjusted.
For the next year, which seems extreme, she fell asleep in my bed. She would get her talky time in with me and then she would snuggle down and fall asleep. Once asleep we would carry her to her bed. We did this every single night for over a year. We bent over backwards to make that adjustment easier for her. We eventually transitioned her back to falling asleep in her bed, but she needed that year to feel like her foundation wasn’t being ripped out from under her. She needed to feel like not everything was changing for her… even though a lot of changes were happening.
For our two biological boys, because they were the oldest and stayed up the latest, it was a bit easier. When all the other kids were in bed my husband took this time to spend with just them. They had one hour of dad time, from playing video games, to cards, to nerf wars. This was time built into their lives where they world felt unchanged and “normal” again.
There were some big adjustments all the children had to make. But they did it. I truly believe all the children succeeded in making that adjustment because we allowed them space. I wanted our biological children to not feel forgotten. Our lives were naturally built around the needs of our three additional kids. We were naturally giving them time and space to adjust. Two of them had a therapist they saw on a weekly basis that helped them navigate their big emotions. My biological children needed that same amount of support, but that support came directly from my husband and me.
Our navigation system worked!
I see it. I see all our children interacting in healthy, good, attached ways. I watch as we sit in our front yard, and they play. Our girls are the best of friends, the best of sisters. They play all day long together. I think we get invited to a tea party in their room almost every day. The boys sit around and play cars, video games and bey blades for hours. Our youngest adopted son always asks for our oldest biological boy to put him to bed at night. Our oldest does it with joy and the deepest of love for him. He sits and reads the books usually at least twice. They both love each other deeply. That hesitation of the unknown is no longer there. They see each other not as strangers but as family.
Sibling relationships can be super tricky to navigate. We never forced those relationships. We validated feelings, we hid the trauma and grief behaviors as much as possible from the other children. We did not force them into a sibling relationship right away. They always had to be respectful and kind and but everyone was given space.
Space and lots of grace.
The sibling relationship is now there. Its strong, Its real. But it didn’t happen over night. It took years for it to develop. They are family now, they are siblings, and wouldn’t trade each other for the world.